There are so many things I want to tell you. There are so many things I want to say. But when you and I meet, when you and I stand there, all the words simply disappear.
I hated you when I first met you. I thought you were pompous, arrogant, and as a mutual friend later put it, "preachy". You were always telling me what to do: how long my notes should be, how long I should be spending with a patient, which orders to place in first. I hated it. I disliked you even more. I swallowed my pride that first day on FPIS and asked you for help because I really thought the patient needed it, and you basically swooped in and saved the day. Or rather, told me that there was no need to save the day. We butted heads more often than not, and I resented everything you said. You weren't my senior; I didn't have to listen to you. But you were so obtuse about it.
Somewhere during the year, things changed. I don't know when or where, but I don't know if that even matters. We were on call one night...you on OB, myself on FPIS...and my entire world shifted. You opened up, just a little, and I saw an entirely different person. I fell for him, hard. I didn't know what to do. All of a sudden, the person I thought existed, didn't...and the one I never expected to see, did. And I didn't expect what brought us together to bring us together. Who would have thought that we thought the same...on something that might be the most important vital part of who we were, what we were doing, and why we were doing it. I didn't think it was possible.
You chased me down a hall when I decided not to be in a picture. I didn't see any point in it. Why smile when you're feeling dead inside? I didn't see the picture until recently. And I noticed you weren't smiling either. And I wonder why you stood there and let them capture that moment...that moment that was supposed to spread cheer, and obviously, that moment was not there. I think about that a lot, and I think about why you wanted me in the picture, and I wonder all the time what was going through your mind at that time. Why pretend that everything is all right when it really isn't? And afterwards, you wrote in my Sanford your number...the one that you never give out. I never used that edition; it's always just sat there on my nightstand, and sometimes I still flip the book open and just look at your handwriting. And I wonder if things had happened differently, if I had called you back then, if we had worked on our friendship at that time...if anything would have changed. I look at it now, and it actually means a lot to me...you don't even like talking...and you don't like talking on the phone even more...and you gave me your number...for "just in case". For someone who thought she was dying inside...and still is...it was a beacon.
We might have flirted on and off from then on. I don't really remember. Maybe it's really not important. I went on vacation, and you were stuck in one of the hardest and tiring rotations in these 36 months we have here. You emailed me, and I was charmed. It's really silly to say, but I was super-charmed. I don't even remember what those emails were about, but suffice to say, I just continued to fall. I actually couldn't wait to come back and see you. I came back, and you turned on the charm full-blast. I returned to one of the worst rotations ever...a rotation that I expected to love, and throughly disgustingly hated. It was, as you are so fond of saying, a dark month. It really was dark. I had never felt so alone. But you were always there. You just staggered me. And I fell so hard. I fell for the imperfect being that you are, the Janus sides, the moody, but always thoughtful candor, just everything. I loved every moment we spent together. I hated your TV shows. I wish I could have seen your dimples. I fell for the man who could be so kind one minute, moody the next, and unsure afterwards. You showed me an entirely different side of yourself. I felt comfortable to tell you things...things that I've never told anyone, not even my best friend. I told you, someone whom I'm known for less than a year, stories that even my closest friends don't know. That is something...that I'll never be able to get back...and something that I at times regret.
I still don't understand what happened next. And I'm not sure if I'll ever understand. I locked myself out of my car, and you locked me out of your life. It was that quick. The anger was never there; the hurt faded fast. The confusion lasted. Above all, after all that we've been through, you were still a friend. I was just so confused. But I let you have your space instead of talking to you about it. And maybe that was wrong, but I understand you are an intensely private person, and I didn't want to aggravate you. I figured that maybe, just maybe one day, you would be able to talk to me like I had been able to talk to you.
There was one more set of fireworks, and I thought I understood you better afterwards. I couldn't have been more wrong. I went back to thinking that maybe one day, you would open up to me. It kills me to have one of your friends email me to tell me that he thinks that it would be awesome if the two of us started dating, and even better if I started dating this other guy at the same time. I was floored. Who DOES that? I don't know if you guys hatched this or what, because you two are pretty chummy, but I want to tell you that it sucks. It sucks to have your friend tell me that we should date, when it's pretty obvious that you don't even want to tell me the first thing that's going in your life. I have to hear things about you from other people. That's just simply fabulous. I thought we had more between us than sparks, but maybe I was just so terribly wrong.
Now, when I talk to you, I always sense there is an undercurrent of anger directed towards me. And I don't know why. You push the envelope when you talk to me. From the comment of someone backstabbing me to the lack of common sense I apparently have to my propensity of being a stripper in another life...these words hurt me more than you think. I don't know if you're angry at me because I talked to a friend about us...or if I even made you choose a side when my last senior and I butted heads...but I never asked you to do that. In fact, I hated that you did that for me. One day, I would like to talk to him about what an asshole he is, but until then, I want to handle it by myself, not place you in the middle of it. And I don't know if you thought different, and now resent me for that. I'm sorry. I really am. But I never meant for you to get involved. Or maybe that is the problem. I'm not sure. I'm not sure of anything. Because you won't talk to me. You'll talk to everyone else, but you won't open up to me at all. I don't know if you're scared, if you're angry, if you're just indifferent. And I just wish I knew.
The last straw was several days ago, when you made that comment in front of everyone. I don't make fun of you nor do I make jokes about you. I think I deserve that same amount of respect. Maybe you think differently. I don't know because I have no clue what you're thinking. You refused to talk to me about it, and maybe that hurt most of all. Congratulations, you have finally broken every single thread. I sent you an email telling you how I felt, and I got a terse email back. And it was just so devoid of feeling that it just shattered me. I don't know if you even thought we had a friendship.
I want you to know that I think you are just so special. I want you to know that I think you're amazing. I want you to know that I think you believed that we were so different, but honestly, if you thought about it, we were a lot more alike than you thought...because you never scratched below the surface. I think you would have been surprised. I think you were so scared about being judged or ridiculed or even pitied...that you never gave us a chance. And i just want to ask you...did you think that little of me to think I could do that to you? I don't know. I'm pretty sure I'll never know. I may be a lot of things, but I would protect you with my dying breath. And I don't know if you knew that. I hope you didn't because if you did, and you still acted the way you did, then maybe I never knew you, that maybe the other side of you I thought I saw...never existed. Then the joke is on me.
I don't know where we stand after this week. Quite frankly, I don't know if I want anything to do with you. You hurt me more this week than the last several months. I thought we were better than that, but apparently I was so wrong. And I have to save myself first, I've decided. I don't have anything left to give you. But know this, I think you are amazing. I think you are so special. I'll always be with you, and I'll always carry the good memories with me. You'll always be just a little bit more special in my heart. I think you underestimate yourself. And I think you underestimated me. If you ever need to talk, I'll be here. I wish I could give you a Sanford much like long ago you gave me, but I'm scared that you'll just pitch it back to my face. And right now, I couldn't deal with that from you. I don't know if I ever will be ready to again.
Boys
How much effort to put in
Clutter
Charts
Warehouse sales
Three months
Friends
Pharm dinners
The Social Life
Furniture
Today in Balint, our very last day of "bitch it out" intern support group, our advisor asked us "What surprised you most about intern year?" Most of the answers were predictable: "I'm surprised that it was more manageable than I thought it would be." "I'm surprised it wasn't as bad as it could have been." "I'm surprised at all that we've learned." I didn't really answer, just nodded my head...because what I really wanted to say...just sounded so cold in my head.
What I really wanted to say was, "I'm surprised that I became so cynical."
Because it is really true. I never expected to become this cynical. I didn't expect to walk into a room, have a patient ask me for pain meds, and instantaneously think, "Do you need it or do you WANT it?" I didn't expect to admit a patient and think "Oh shit, this one is going to die on me." (he didn't.) I didn't expect myself to have enough guts to tell a patient, "Are you going to quit smoking or are you going to die before you see your children grow up?" I am a cynical...bitch.
I used to believe in medicine. I used to believe in hand-holding. I used to believe in healing. I used to believe that all my patients would love me. Now...I spend my days running around putting out fires, hoping that no one hates me because they can't afford their medications, switching medications around on patients that I've never seen, and praying that I don't make a mistake. I slap on Band-Aids, and tell my patients to come back so I can slap some more on, while in the back of my head, wish that they had started thinking about their health a long time ago. I've given up on the healing...and I focus on the now. I don't hand-hold anymore; I'll push because I don't have time to play games with you on whether or not this life-saving procedure is really going to save your life or not. With the patients who complain that they don't want a resident seeing them, I'm all set to say, "Fine. I don't want to see you either." If you are not going to be doing this 100%, I don't want to waste my time on you. I have precious few minutes for free time, and I feel guilty enough doing nothing, but nothing irks me more than wasting my time on someone who complains that I probably wouldn't do anything for them. Fine. There are plenty of patients just like you that would like my help.
I've become so cynical that when someone shows up in my office with a medication list, I profusely thank them. It kills me when people show up and I ask them what their medications are, and they have no clue. Like do you care? If you don't, why should I? Or if they hit all their guidelines or are up-to-date with their medical conditions, I tell them unreservedly and maybe for the first time ever, honestly, that I appreciate that they are taking control of themselves. If you have diabetes, I expect you to know when your last eye exam was. I expect you to know when and what your last A1C was. If you have no clue, how am I supposed to expect that you understand what I want from you? Or even, what you want from me?? I don't have a magic wand. I just have the ability to prescribe drugs. Help me help you.
I think about the intern who walked into the room of a COPD-er her very first day on inservice in August and freaked out because the patient was groaning and gasping for breath in her CPAP. I thought about calling a RRT, doing a blood gas, anything to avert a catastrophe on my first patient. I left the room to think more clearly, and the senior of the opposite team was strolling down the hall. After I begged my case, he calmly walked into the room and slapped a pulse ox on her. 93%. Good enough. "Try the pulse ox" was his advice before leaving. I reminded him of the scenario months later...almost a year later, and he mildly asked, "Is she still alive?" No. She died several months later. "At least she didn't die on your watch." True. So thankfully true.
I think about how I am now...how the nurses will panic and shoo me into a room, and I take a look and say, "She's fine." And walk back out. Or I will walk into a room, and really see a patient who needs to be transferred to ICU, and snap into action. I think about how I triage in my mind. It's always about triaging, who really needs it, who really doesn't, and who is beyond any help at all.
I've hung up on a nurse who called me once at 4:30 AM telling me that one of her diabetics had candy in his room. "Well, is he eating it?" "No, he's sleeping." "Well, what do you want me to do about it?" "Come up and confiscate it." Are you kidding me? I've been up on my feet for almost 24 hours, and you want me to dump out the candy? He's going to get more somewhere. I refuse to put on a pretend Band-Aid in the hospital.
I got through the year with just one call night without any RRTs or codes. More died than came back. A senior once told me, "Remember, they're already dead. You're just playing a flirting game with the Grim Reaper." I like to say that during my four months on inpatient medicine, I never lost one of my own patients. I lost my team's patients, I lost the other team's patients, I lost the hospital's patients, but I never lost a patient that was admitted to me and was under my care. I left them all alive. Sure, a handful of them went home, and was readmitted several months later for the same thing...and then passed away, but I wasn't there for that. And for that, I'm thankful. My Band-Aids hold up. Or Lady Luck gave me another chance. There was that one night that I admitted not one, but two transfers, both of them brought back to spend several hours on machines while an EEG determined that they were indeed, brain dead. But they were dead already when they were brought in. I can't play God. Even so, I think about the day that one of my patients will die on my watch. I guarantee it will be a doozy.
I think about the intern who relied on her seniors for every RRT, for every code during her first two months on inservice. Everything was a jumble. Everything was a mess. What to do, who to say it to, how much to do. I think about the intern running the RRTs, restarting the code after the dead have come back to life, and the adrenaline and the focus that follows, now...a year later, and I just shake my head. People are going to die. It's just up to us to determine how much longer they have to live.
I'm going to be turning 30 later this year...much later. But I've been thinking a lot about it lately because 30 is sort of a milestone. It's sort of saying goodbye to being young and hello to responsibilities. I mean, you can still act young when you're older than 20-somethings, but if you do something really stupid...the "being young" excuse doesn't seem to cut it. 30 means a lot of things to me, from fears to responsibilities to goals, but in thinking about it, I find myself not really knowing what it means to be turning 30. And of course, there really is no real definition to it, but I find myself unable to define what it means to myself. So in what I do best, let's do a little research, let's take a little ride, and try to figure out what 30 means to me. Why am I so scared of turning 30? What goals have I yet to reach? What goals do I want to accomplish in my 30s? How do I feel myself changing and maturing? Where do I want to go in life? Join me on what is sure to be an interesting, scary (for myself), enlightening adventure.
First up, what do other people think it means to be turning 30. Let's take a look. Here's some random list in the blog world that states 150 Things to do Before Turning 30: (bold are the ones I've done; italics are comments).
01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain - Neuschwanstein in 1996.
*04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
*05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
*07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped - Never again.
11. Visited Paris - Tour De France.
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise - Numerous times. Over Tower Beach is my favorite. More recently, I've done it from the hospital. I always pause to watch.
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game - My favorite will always be Wrigley. I don't even like baseball.
*16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables - Tomatoes.
*18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
*28. Bet on a winning horse
*29. Asked out a stranger - You know, maybe I need to do this.
30. Had a snowball fight - One of my favorite memories. M1 year, night before anatomy lab exam, in the middle of the street in front of the medical school.
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can - And then got pharyngitis afterwards.
32. Held a lamb
*33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster - x2. Never again.
*35. Hit a home run - Yeah. Not happening, but would like to do it.
36. Danced like a fool and didn’t care who was looking *37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
*40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends - Still do.
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
*44. Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe - 2001 is one of my favorite memories.
47. Taken a road-trip - Iowa - You Make me Smile.
*48. Gone rock climbing
49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach - It's a lot less romantic than it sounds.
50. Gone sky diving - Never again.
*51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love - Yeah. That's kind of pathetic, actually. I was in love with the idea of him. There. I finally said it out loud.
*53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them. - I think this would be REALLY cool.
*54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow - And I was good at it.
56. Alphabetized your CDs - Still alphabetized.
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain - Yeah, same as above. A lot less romantic than it sounds.
63. Played in the mud - Oozeball, baby.
64. Played in the rain
*65. Gone to a drive-in theatre
*66. Visited the Great Wall of China
*67. Started a business
*68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
*69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight *72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on a television news program as an “expert”
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
*85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
*89. Gone to Thailand
*90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents - Who wants to do this??
*93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror - Throwing around rice and toilet paper counts, right?
*96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour - Who has TIME for this?
98. Passed out cold - Does this mean unconscious? Or sleep wise, figuratively? I do it all the time then.
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country - Not really exotic. A very long, tiring, awful ride in Munich. I fell off my bike too.
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over - Sometimes I don't know if this was a good idea.
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking with the windows open
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived - Who would want to highlight this??
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds - I couldn't do this if I tried.
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
*112. Won money on a TV game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
*115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for 30 hours in a 48 hour period - Yeah, I don't get to really do this anymore.
*123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. States
*124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read - Ha. Shakespeare's Hamlet. Enough said.
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
*141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life
Hm. 74 out of 150. Not over half. And I thought while doing this, that I was doing pretty well. I don't know...some of these things...I wouldn't even WANT to do. I did go back and STAR the ones that I did definitely want to do sometime in my life. Reflections on this later.
So I managed to actually do something productive on vacation this week. I saw Duplicity. It stars Julia Roberts and Clive Owen. And it's really an amazing movie. It's compared a lot to Ocean's Eleven and the Bourne Series, but you know, I think it holds its own pretty well. The plot had a final twist, and it was pretty good. I totally did not see it coming, but I'm a good moviegoer in that aspect: I don't think too far ahead, and I usually let the movie lead me on. I think how the relationship was portrayed was unique, but slightly overdrawn. I think it's interesting that they both seemed to question their trust in each other a lot, but at the same time, their relationship was made of something deeper that allowed them to continue their relationship. Part of it might be because they are each of such strong personalities. The other thing that slightly bothered me was that I felt that the relationship was unbalanced, and it seemed to me that Ray was more into Claire than the reverse. I know that as girls, we've all been taught that it's much better to always have the guy love you a little bit more than you loving the guy, but seriously, Claire just seemed so aloof and always questioning and nitpicking her guy. It just didn't seem fair. Their scenes together were extremely well done, however. So all in all, it's an excellent movie, thought-provoking in how relationships work, and the action part of the movie was unique in itself also. I wonder if the relationship would survive in real life though.
Postal Service
Contacts
Things that are Missing
Fallling Behind
Dreams
How long can we wait here
To say goodbye?
The words once they're spoken
Are words that we can't take
Back to where we were, before
Things got in the way
Life gets so confusing
When you know what you're losing
You
Me
Why can't we see that there's
More to love than we'll ever know
Sometimes you're closer when you're
Letting go
I wish the best for you
I wish the best for you
We'll both regret the hurting
That we will do
You'll learn to forget me
And I'll try
I'll try to forget....
You
Me
Why can't we see that there's
More to love than we'll ever know
Sometimes you're closer when you're
Letting go
I wish the best for you
I wish the best
If you ever need a place that you can run to
I'll be here, I'll be here
You
Me
Why can't we see that there's
More to love than we'll ever know
Sometimes you're closer when you're
Letting go
I wish the best for you
I wish the best for you
"I risk your incomprehension when I speak to you of matters of my heart. Whenever you respond to me with disinterest or incomprehension, or respond with a socially acceptable triviality, or change the subject quickly...I know at some level that you choose not to know me, and I die a little." - Anonymous
Knot tying
Measuring up
Worrying about the crush
Pretend friendships
Paperwork
On the Playlist:
Poker Face - Lady GaGa (still!)
Broken - Lifehouse
The Climb - Miley Cyrus
I Wish The Best For You - Emerson Hart
City Lights - The Umbrellas
